Renewing the Mind

dis/engage

As I struggle with this latest bout of anxiedepressinsecurity, I'm starting to see a little more of a pattern in how I approach life. In social-ness, in bigger tasks, and even in everyday life. I engage to a point, I'm not as successful as I would like, then I burn out easily and go back to disengaging (disengaging often looks like web-surfing or browsing book stores, with no real intention to sit and read).

I go through spurts where I initiate more friendships, I go through phases where I try a new ministry, a new group, etc. But it doesn't take too long before I lose steam and I just don't feel the need to work so hard. I get sick of being in charge and can't wait until I can just kick back and be by myself again. I covered a lot of this, actually, in my previous post about my dream. But what I am realizing is that same 'tourist tendency' is brought into my social life as well--I am interested in being a part of a social group for my own sense of well-being, but the thought of having to put extended effort into it overwhelms me and makes me want to disengage.

Is it just laziness? In some ways, yes, but there is more to it than that. Take the social adeptness issue. Even the thought of thinking more of what I wear, how to appear confident, reading social situations, etc, just seems so daunting, because there is this underlying sense that no matter how hard I try I will never succeed in the way I would like, and, extra kicker, that I will lose myself in the process. The genuineness that I value so incredibly highly will diminish if I start down the road of thinking about the impression I give, the more superficial aspects of getting along socially. I will get sucked into something that won't let go, and I'll be giving into the same culture that cruelly excludes those who don't keep up with the polish, the success, the confidence that we all prize so highly.

I do have this nagging anxiety that any step toward conforming to what our culture values, be it style, property, success, or whatever, will quickly eat me alive and I'll lose any sense of living how Christ calls us to live, and valuing what he calls us to value. Am I overfearing this? There seems to be some alternate call, that says that engaging in social and cultural norms is actually a part of valuing myself, of choosing to engage and see myself as a valuable member of society. But I just don't know. What is healthy engagement, and what is compromise?

posted by dan @ 11:17 PM 1 comments

the more things change, the more they stay the same.

I'm currently experiencing a wave of insecurity/depression that seems to hit at least once a year, certainly at least once whenever I transition into a new community. I feel so daunted by what it takes to enter into a group socially, that all my feelings of loneliness and inadequacy flood back, and I feel paralyzed. More like overwhelmed, like I don't know where to start. There is so much involved in what we call 'social skills'--matters of timing, looks, the degree to which you're acting confident, or casual, thinking about who to invite, who goes well with who, what do people want to do . . .

Many would say that I am over-exhausting myself, thinking too hard. I'm sure that's true, on some level. But I would respond that when I try to think less, or just 'be myself', that only works to a limited extent. These things I worry about are real, and 'just not worrying about it' works for a little while until I realize that people don't see me as someone they frequently want along, want to include, in more fun social events. I'm great at being the kind, intense, one-on-one person to interact with and engage, but it ususally doesn't translate into wider social acceptance. I've been good friends with several people who are more socially inclined, but after a while they start to see inviting me along as a burden, rather than just inherently wanting me in their social circle.

This is really just venting, so I'll maybe start writing about what I really wanted to write about in the next post . . .

posted by dan @ 11:10 PM 1 comments