Renewing the Mind

the more things change, the more they stay the same.

I'm currently experiencing a wave of insecurity/depression that seems to hit at least once a year, certainly at least once whenever I transition into a new community. I feel so daunted by what it takes to enter into a group socially, that all my feelings of loneliness and inadequacy flood back, and I feel paralyzed. More like overwhelmed, like I don't know where to start. There is so much involved in what we call 'social skills'--matters of timing, looks, the degree to which you're acting confident, or casual, thinking about who to invite, who goes well with who, what do people want to do . . .

Many would say that I am over-exhausting myself, thinking too hard. I'm sure that's true, on some level. But I would respond that when I try to think less, or just 'be myself', that only works to a limited extent. These things I worry about are real, and 'just not worrying about it' works for a little while until I realize that people don't see me as someone they frequently want along, want to include, in more fun social events. I'm great at being the kind, intense, one-on-one person to interact with and engage, but it ususally doesn't translate into wider social acceptance. I've been good friends with several people who are more socially inclined, but after a while they start to see inviting me along as a burden, rather than just inherently wanting me in their social circle.

This is really just venting, so I'll maybe start writing about what I really wanted to write about in the next post . . .

posted by dan @ 11:10 PM